The Year of Unraveling
Well, here we are at the end of the year.
What a year it has been! I'm sitting here in my living room, wrapped in a blanket, filled with so much gratitude for everything.
The year started with me trying to find normal as a single mom with four kids and navigating a new job outside the home. I struggled with the resentment of leaving my kids each day. Especially my last baby. I missed out on being his full-time mommy each day. I had plans for playdates and park days while his older siblings were in school. Then, summer was filled with pool days and mini-adventures to visit friends in other states.
Not only did I secure a job at a start-up wellness business, but I was also asked to step into a leadership role, supporting the owner and staff as an administrator. Each day is a challenge, and this was exactly what I needed to rediscover my self-worth, talents, and passion for serving others.
Then, one magical day, a virus changed the reality of the world we all lived in. My kids came home for spring break and didn’t go back. I still feel like it didn't happen. I remember thinking there was no way I could go through anything more, and fortunately, God agreed with me. My kids and I had already been through so much, and everything I knew about kids going through a big shift in a family dynamic like this suggested that they fared better when there was consistency. We had that, and then suddenly we didn't...or rather, we had to rebuild a new routine. Working as much as I did and trying to understand schooling from home was incredibly hard. It was not like homeschooling at all, and every day, I considered going back to homeschooling.
Then came summer, and the realization of the end to my marriage, which compounded all the pressure from the year because I realized this was now my life, a life of spinning plates. Months went by where I had no time to really decompress and allow myself to really feel the things I needed to feel.
At the end of summer, I tried to decide what would be best for my kids and their school. I knew I couldn't go back to virtual school, and even though their school was returning to the classroom, I had no guarantee that it wouldn't change again. I started to consider alternatives, leaving homeschooling as a last resort. How would I homeschool while maintaining my home and work schedules? A dear friend then planted an idea in my head that ultimately led us to a private Christian school. I trusted God to work out the details of financial aid, and He did. They started a week later. Small classrooms, caring teachers aware of their home life, and a routine...finally.
We slowly began to settle into a new normal as I continued to open my heart to the direction of healing. I struggled as a mom the most during this time because I knew what was coming for them. I didn't tell them about the divorce yet because, at this time, I was still holding on to hope that a miracle would occur. I prayed for this still while trusting God's plan for my kids and me.
The biblical Fall Feast season was a total blur, and I felt like I wasn't showing up for God or my kids in the way I was supposed to during that time. I had moments where God would reveal the same thing to me, in the same way, each time. I would feel connected to His direction for my life in one moment, then not long after, I felt disconnected. It was the most frustrating thing I had experienced all year. This was a new stress level, and I started to see the side effects of constant stress through weight loss. I didn't think it was possible to drop that much weight so quickly.
There is only so long that you can walk in chaos, and I began to see things spiral out of control into something I didn't like. Every day I just did what I could do to make it through. I just wanted to be there for my kids and help them have confidence that they were loved and provided for. God was so good to us.
As the months passed, I began to regain my strength, and each day, God showed up for me in various ways so that I wouldn't miss Him in the details. I was rediscovering who I was and that I am capable of hard things. I was starting to believe that God truly cared for me. I thought I didn't matter for years, but it took an unraveling for me to know that I do.
As I approached the Hanukkah season, I wanted to set aside my old self and allow God to change me into what He needed me to be. I prepared myself for re-dedication. I took some time in the week leading up to Hanukkah to work with both my therapist and pastoral counselor to help prepare my heart for a shift. It was time to look ahead and consider why I had to go through all this. The kids and I joined a congregation in hopes of lighting a spark that has long been snuffed out in all of us. God cleared the way for us to make a trip out to Tennessee to visit Jacob's Tent Fellowship. We had a fantastic time with friends, worship, and messages that lit a fire in my soul, fueling my movement forward. I was buoyed at the sight of all my kids praising God alongside me.
Now, as I sit and reflect on what felt like a year that would never end, I am at peace with all that I have gone through. I am moving in the direction of healing and forgiveness. I will allow God to use this experience to fill my mouth with a message of hope and healing to others. My story is still being written, and I promise to keep showing up authentically for the people God places in my path. The future will unfold in time, it always does.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for prosperity and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.'