Routine: Why It Matters for Trauma Recovery
Life gets busy, boundaries blur, and before you know it, the house is a wreck, the kids are staying up later and later, and those new bath salts you got to help you de-stress are still sitting unopened.
It’s easy to slip out of routine, especially during high-stress seasons. But building a routine backup (or starting one from scratch) can be a powerful part of healing after betrayal trauma.
It gives your mind clarity, your body consistency, and your soul room to breathe.
I love routine, and I thrive with routine. I know some scoff at it, but I really believe that routine is the foundation for having your life run smoothly. It doesn't have to be strict to the point where you have no flexibility. In fact, I highly recommend adding flexibility to your day, so each week allows for spontaneity. I'd like to share with you the five biggest mistakes people often make when creating a routine.
But before I do, I want to say this…
If you’re walking through betrayal trauma, whether you’re still in your marriage or rebuilding after divorce, routine isn’t just about productivity. It’s about healing.
Living in a high-stress, high-conflict environment can leave your nervous system in a state of constant survival mode. You may feel overwhelmed, foggy, or paralyzed by even the smallest decisions. That’s not weakness, it’s trauma. And one of the best ways to ground yourself again is to bring order to the parts of life you can control.
When your days have a steady rhythm, your body starts to feel safe again. It creates space for healing. Let’s learn how to establish routines that support your recovery, rather than adding more pressure to it.
1.) Making it too strict:
Since I like things in nice, neat, tidy boxes, this was very hard for me. But once I realized my kids don’t think like I do, I had to take a ‘chill pill’, tap into my own inner adaptability, and let go of expectations.
When your routine is so rigid that one little monkey wrench makes the whole day feel like a failure, it’s time to step back. Life throws curveballs, traffic jams, surprise tantrums, or the 30 extra minutes it takes to get everyone out the door.
Your healing doesn’t depend on perfect days. Give your schedule some flexibility, and you’ll feel more grounded and empowered when things don’t go as planned.
2.) Not allowing for self-care:
This is non-negotiable. It doesn’t have to be fancy, and it doesn’t need to take hours. Even five minutes of intentional care can help calm your nervous system and bring you back into your body, especially when you’re in a trauma recovery season.
Here are a few of my favorite quick self-care practices that work even with kids around:
Eat a piece of organic chocolate in your closet after the kids go to bed (yes, this counts).
No time for a bath? Try a foot soak while your little one is in the tub, tell jokes, or read them a funny story.
Create a gratitude list on a sticky note and place it on your bathroom mirror (bonus points if your kids create their own).
Brush your teeth slowly. Wash your face. Put on your favorite facial serum.
Smell an essential oil you love.
Give yourself a foot massage with coconut oil before bed.
Listen to your favorite dance song alone and move until you’re out of breath.
Drink a tall glass of water.
It’s the little things done consistently that help bring your system back into balance.
3.) Too many things planned for each day:
I practice the rule of threes each day. I wear different hats: mom, household manager, and business owner. I plan to address three key areas in each category. When life throws something unexpected my way (which it always does), it’s easier to adjust and catch up later. I try to focus on simple things that push the needle forward so I still feel accomplished by the end of the day.
That said, my to-do list is long because I write everything down so I don’t forget. Then I highlight the top 2–3 priorities for the day and cross them off once they’re done. That crossing-off moment? Pure satisfaction.
This practice reduces decision fatigue, something that’s very real in betrayal trauma recovery. When you’re overwhelmed emotionally, mentally, and physically, even deciding what to make for dinner can feel like too much. That’s why planning simple, meaningful tasks (and celebrating completing them) matters more than trying to do it all.
4.) Not Including Your Kids:
Some believe children should have the freedom to explore, while others think they need a structured day. I would say falling in the middle is the best. In my house, we have a 30-minute chore bust. I set a timer, and boom, we get the three things done. Then we have an hour to play before we start the bedtime routine. There are two types of households that raise adults more likely to struggle with mental health: Strict and chaotic. If you feel like you're swinging one way to the other, start a simple routine for the week and get the whole family involved. Kids want to make their own decisions, so give them options and let them decide. The best way to do this is to make a list of chores that need to get done each week. Let them assign a day to each chore, ensuring they can complete it within a thirty-minute period.
5.) Giving up when it doesn’t work the first time:
Did you know it can take three to six months for a routine to become a habit? Not three days. Not one week. It won’t work right away, and that’s okay. Start simple. Give yourself space to reflect at the end of each week and ask: What worked? What didn’t?
Maybe you need more time to cook dinner. Perhaps your kids need more time to wind down before bed. Perhaps your energy fluctuates according to your emotional state (hello, grief). That’s not failure, it’s feedback.
As someone who’s been an entrepreneur for years and coaches others through the process, I can tell you: it’s normal to want to quit when things don’t click right away. However, if you keep it flexible, grace-filled, and in alignment with your actual life—not your Pinterest vision board—your routine can become one of your best tools for healing.
✨ Pro tip: Plan a small reward for yourself at the end of 30 days of showing up for your routine. If you didn’t follow it perfectly? That’s your
When you’re healing from trauma, your mind and body crave safety, and routine is one way you can give yourself that gift. It reduces mental clutter, anchors your day, and provides a steady point of return when the world feels chaotic. If you’re still in a marriage or have stepped away, this applies to you either way. Trauma recovery isn’t about getting it all right. It’s about giving yourself what you need to heal.
Start small. Stay kind. And remember: grace over grind.