A Simple Boundary Tool for Recovery
Boundaries play a significant role in healing from betrayal trauma, especially within marriage, and they are something many women ask me about. Boundaries often get misunderstood, but in the context of recovery, they are an essential tool. They are not meant to punish or get back at someone. Their purpose is to create the space you need to heal and to communicate what safety looks like for you.
One of the most common struggles women share with me, and something I experienced myself, is the inability to be physically close or intimate with their spouse after discovery or disclosure. Even when the partner is trying to do the right things, your body may not yet feel safe. That is normal and human. That is why the three boundary circles can be so helpful.
My therapist taught me this tool very early in my own process and even previewed it to make sure it was appropriate. I wanted to be sure it was not punitive. The goal of healthy boundaries is always healing, clarity, and safety.
Why Boundaries Become Necessary After Betrayal
After discovery, disclosure, or even after a triggering event, your nervous system may struggle to tolerate closeness. My own trigger was childbirth. Even though it had nothing to do with betrayal, my body reacted as if I were unsafe all over again. Trauma is stored in the body, and sometimes, everyday experiences bring those sensations back to the surface. This is one reason why a tool like the three circles can help bring grounding and clarity. Now, I want to clarify that after the birth of my last baby, when I was feeling this way, I didn't know about this tool yet, but I did implement it after disclosure, a couple of years later.
You do not have to force yourself to be intimate or physically close with someone who has hurt you. Your body is communicating something, and honoring that is part of moving toward restoration.
This is where the boundary circles become practical. They give you structure during a season when everything in your body feels confused or out of sync. They allow you to reframe touch and slowly rebuild the capacity for closeness if both partners share the goal of restoration.
How to Create the Three Boundary Circles
Grab a blank sheet of paper and draw three circles like a target, or you can download the PDF at the bottom of this page. A small inner circle, a medium middle circle, and a large outer circle. Each circle represents a level of closeness based on what feels safe at a given time. A timeframe between 30 and 90 days works well.
This idea originally came from the three sexual circles used in sex addiction recovery. Their circles were designed to help someone prevent relapse. The idea is to give betrayed partners a way to identify what feels safe to them and what does not, since our needs in recovery look very different.
You can also share these circles with your spouse. You do not have to show boundaries only through your reactions. Written clarity offers a healthier way to communicate what you need.
Inner Circle: Absolutely Not Right Now
The inner circle contains anything that is off the table for your chosen timeframe.
Examples might include:
Sexual intimacy
Kissing
Sleeping in the same bed
Handholding
Physical touch of any kind
Certain conversations or topics
These are firm boundaries. You are not open to these activities for now.
Middle Circle: Only If You Initiate and Feel Safe
These are things you might be okay with, but only if you feel safe and choose to initiate them.
Examples include:
Handholding
Sitting together on the couch
Riding in the car alone together
Light touch
Certain emotional conversations
This is where many women feel tension because they still want to feel pursued. That desire is normal. The challenge is that early in recovery, your spouse may not know what pursuit looks like. He is often trying to steady himself and avoid missteps, which may cause him to hesitate or overcompensate. The middle circle removes some of that confusion by showing him exactly what you might initiate when you feel safe.
Outer Circle: Always Okay
These are the activities you are fully comfortable with right now. They offer your spouse the reassurance of green lights.
Examples include:
Eating dinner together
Watching a movie in a family setting
Going on a public date once a month
Being in the same room while you get ready
Light daily interaction
If something suddenly feels unsafe, you can move it into the middle circle and communicate why. These circles can shift as your healing grows or as your nervous system settles.
How to Know Your Boundaries Are Not Punitive
A simple reflection can help. Ask yourself whether the boundary supports your healing or whether it is aimed at influencing his behavior. Healthy boundaries are about restoring your sense of safety, not controlling someone else.
When I wrote mine, I prayed through each decision and reflected on what I needed to heal. That process helped me see which circle each item belonged in.
What These Circles Reveal
When used well, the circles offer:
Structure
Emotional clarity
A reduction in confusion for both partners
Permission for your nervous system to regulate
A way to rebuild trust slowly
Insight into whether your partner shares the goal of restoration
A partner who desires reconciliation will respect your boundaries. They may struggle emotionally with the process, but they will still accept it because they want you to feel safe. A partner who resists, minimizes, or mocks these boundaries may be revealing something important.
Healing Requires Safety
Many people believe you should not have boundaries in marriage, but when a spouse has caused harm, boundaries often become necessary. Safety is the foundation of healing. Without it, your heart cannot reconnect, and your body cannot rest.
These circles give you a simple, structured way to understand what you need while offering your partner clarity and direction. They help both of you move toward restoration if you both desire it.
If you have questions about creating your circles, feel free to reach out. I am here to help you navigate this process with compassion and wisdom.
If you prefer to learn visually, I shared a short YouTube video that walks through these circles and how to use them in real life. You can watch it here. —>