The catalyst for change.

Something was wrong, and I just never could put my finger on it. I had become someone I didn't like. Betrayal can truly transform you into someone you no longer recognize. I joined a local support group for women seeking healing in their marriage after betrayal. I don't really know when I first heard of betrayal trauma and what that actually meant, but it validated a lot for me when I did. One of the group leaders told me, "You can't heal from what you don't know." Sometimes, it does help to have a title for what is happening. This also helped me search for new resources.

I was struggling. The worst part of betrayal is that you can experience the trauma regardless of knowledge. For years, I believed my husband when he said he wasn't using pornography. In fact, we had open conversations about it and shared what we knew with others in a very public way. In my soul, I was hurting really badly. I was bitter, and I resented him. I couldn't shake it. It was creating division, and no matter how hard I tried to give it to God, He wouldn't take it. Looking back, I know why that was. If it weren't for these feelings, I would have been running further into denial. Things needed to change. Feeling this way served a purpose for what happened next.

One day, the group's same leader stepped out of her comfort zone to express concern for me. My feelings were starting to manifest in my behavior and communication in the support group. I felt a lot of shame when she shared that with me. I felt like my marriage was suffering because of me. If only I could move on, then things would be so much better. I was in denial, and I didn't know until months later, but I wouldn't say I liked being told I wasn't ok. I think we all want to feel like we have things sorted out, and it's hard to hear someone tell us we don't.

With her encouragement, I knew I needed to start meeting with my therapist regularly. Not long after, I had my first meeting to address my recovery. At this point, we had focused primarily on therapy to help my husband address his compulsive behaviors. I think it had been a year since I sat across from the therapist and the first time on my own. So now it was my turn. I thought that my relationship with my spouse would improve if I could let go of my pain. After sharing with him what I was experiencing and finally getting a chance to let all my frustrations out, he validated me. What he shared with me was unexpected. I wasn’t healing because the compulsive behaviors I had been affected by were still present in our relationship. I took that to mean he moved his addictive behaviors to other things. (A lot of addicts do this with food, gaming, other substances, and habits.) I had to make a shift that I wasn't solely responsible for how things were between us.

Obviously, this session left me feeling both better and worse. I knew I needed to have a conversation with my husband. I needed him to step up in his recovery and start making real, lasting changes for the sake of our marriage and family. I had no idea what to say. Before I left the office, I jokingly asked, "What can I do to get my husband to do what I want?" I will never forget his words, "Consequences are the catalyst for change." I had no idea what this meant for me. I had no idea how to implement it, but I knew who did. So I asked God to enter this space and to give me the words to speak.

God is so faithful. He knows when we are serious about doing what He wants us to do. In the way that God always works, He orchestrated a moment for me to implement. My husband sat across from me in my office, and even now, I don't remember what we were talking about. Eventually, I shared with him how I was feeling and how I was really struggling with where we were in our marriage. What makes me sad is what happened next. It became clear that he didn’t yet understand what recovery really required, and in that moment, I didn’t feel emotionally safe or heard. I started to feel unheard and unloved again. I was looking at this man, and my heart was breaking. Why couldn't we come together and heal? The next words out of my mouth scared me, but they weren't mine....

"I will continue working on my recovery. Right now, I care about the marriage, but as I heal, I may not anymore."

This was the beginning of the end. My words did cause him to change, and he contacted the men's support group that I had been asking him to join for a year. Part of joining that group meant honesty. My whole world was shattered when he finally was honest with me (Read that blog post here), and I knew, after he sat me down, that things would never be the same.

After years of me believing he had left porn behind, he hadn't. My body knew and was experiencing ongoing trauma. I have since learned that you can't heal from what you continue to experience. You can’t heal from betrayal while it’s still happening. You can’t recover while the wound is being reopened. And you can’t begin to rebuild trust without the truth.