Filing for Divorce: Trusting God in the Pain

I filed for divorce today. I think I’m still in shock as I sit here trying to process it. On one hand, I feel empowered for holding my boundaries. On the other hand, it feels like the most terrible thing. Mostly, it’s just surreal. My whole life flashes before my eyes: my wedding, our babies, the homes we made, and the deception that swallows it all up. I’m struggling to find clarity in the memories. I know God led me here, and I was confident in that decision, but the emotions that followed feel like a contradiction.

I really didn’t think it would end up like this. When I set healthy boundaries a year ago, I believed God would hold our marriage together and begin the healing process. Why wouldn’t that happen? As the months passed and I focused on my healing, I began to rediscover my worth. It felt like walking a tightrope, completely reliant on God to carry me. Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve done something differently, but I know that would have bypassed the faith required to truly see myself through the eyes of the Creator, the One who planned my existence and knew I would be here long before I was knit together in my mother’s womb.

I used to feel like all of this was a waste. I carried a lot of regret. But then it hit me, maybe everything I’ve walked through was necessary for God to use me in the way He intends. Every detail might be preparation for moments that haven’t even happened yet.

I’m holding on to what I know: God has a plan for me and my kids. I’ve asked Him to walk me through the path of least resistance so I can save my strength for the ebb and flow of healing. Most days, I’m doing well. But there are moments when I’m not, and that’s okay. Feeling this way means I cared deeply about it. I can walk away knowing I fought hard for my marriage, but I’ve also come to understand I can’t be the only one fighting. Now, I fight for myself and for my four incredible kids, who are absolutely worth every step of this journey.